Mountain from mole hills

Some times a thing will be brought to my attention.

This time is was a concern from a customer that I had an encounter with on a recent shift at work. I received an email from a manager asking me to explain my side of the story. 

My main point is this, why should I have to explain myself? Why am I being attacked? Every day I have to deal with real concerns and on this day I have delegated this thing to the top of my priority list. This thing should not even be on my priority list at all, much less at or near the top. I am sitting in my car with heavy rain hitting my windshield. As I look out at the traffic, it seems to me that there are many more important things to concern myself with. 

This has been a struggle my whole life. I feel like my emotions completely override my logical self reasoning. I work hard everyday and I try to cross my t's and dot my i's, but at the end of the day I can not please every one. My intentions are pure. I want to make the world a better place. I want to be a force for good. I also, from a place of naivety, want to make every one happy.  I want it to just work out for people, even when it may all seem impossible. [I work in emergency services] 

Then there is this. I receive feedback that I have failed. I have failed so miserably that a person has felt compelled to reach out with an official complaint. Whats even worse is that the complaint is directly related to my as a person, to my personality, to my way of easing tension in an emotional situation. We should feel free to be our selfs as we conduct our selfs in a manor that is professional and polite. I "check myself" so I do not "wreck myself". But even with all my internal check list and self retrospection, I still deal with self doubt. Its days like this that call into question the essence of "me".

I have worked in the public space for 12 years. I deal with the customers directly. So I know a big part of my job is indeed public relations. I know that because I am faced with it on a daily basis and I have to be the "professional" in every situation and in every encounter. 12 hours is a long shift. I work hard and try hard. I even apologize when I know that I have failed or perhaps it is perceived that I have failed. 

Before I fall apart on here let me finish with this,

I am just as human as the next person. Maybe, just maybe I can get the benefit of the doubt as well. 

Sorry for being so heavy again,

Good day,


I feel compelled to write.

 1am 4-15-15

It may seem like a strange jumping point but after watching Furious 7 I have been compelled to write... something.

I feel like my thought process has changed since hitting about the age of 25 years old. I started to be more considerate of others thoughts and opinions. I may not always make the humble choice and show the consideration but I am at least considering it on the inside on my brain. This revelation has caused me to reevaluate most if not all areas of my life. 

In side of my head I have always lived in another world. I refused to except the things around me and have lived in fantasy, i.e. Star Wars was my favorite fantasy for many years. I would avoid the topics that I was uncomfortable with or I would just pretend to be in my comfort zone and spout off logic and thoughts that I really did not even believe my self. 

It has come as a surprise to even me, all the ares that I have put under the microscope. Let me make this clear, this has been a unprovoked reexamination of my life and world view. In no way have I searched for questions or felt lost. The more I think about it, this really all started after a quite large problem in my marriage. It was something we worked through and not something that I am going to talk about here and indeed it is not important. I feel that every one may come to a place like this but it will be brought on by different things and the outcome will be wholly different.

One of the lines from a song in the film Furious 7; "How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?". The lyric is so simple, it has no real poetic muses to speak of. Family.... Family is a word that has always troubled me. It evokes such powerful thoughts and emotions. Some times those thoughts maybe full of anger and bitterness and yet the thought just seems like a memory. We all have guilt and regret for things we have said and for things that have been apart of our lives, even if we do not realize the impact of it.

I think about my childhood and young adult years and I can not help but feel regret for the lost opportunities. I truly can not express the emotions that those memories bring to the surface. And this brings me back to the word family. Family really is all that we have. I have lived a short 30 years and it is already clear to me that family is all that I have. Day in and out I deal with death in my profession as a Paramedic. Not just with people involved in traumatic injuries and not just a person dying at a ripe old peaceful age of 92. I deal with the subtle side of death that most people do not even come close to ever dealing with and they understand it much less. 

With every person that I care for, each one could very well be at deaths door. Sure most do not die in my presence, but the on going and overwhelming truth is, anyone of the random strangers that I meet in my ambulance every day could indeed be there last ride. Wether it be a 42 year old with chest pain and no medical history or some one involved in a minor wreck with seemingly minor injuries, all are suspect.

With my position I get asked a lot of questions and people ask for my advise on a daily basis. I try to always be ready with an answer. However, with each answer I tend to question my own understanding more and more. "So what made you want to be a paramedic?", This very question gets asked of me daily. People find my line of work fascinating. The truth is, I do not know why I got into emergency medicine. I do not know why I live in Texas. I do not know why I keep going to work day in and out. 

The one thing that I do know is this, I love and live for my family. I do not know what causes that love with in me and why it is so unbreakable. This is where its gets spiritual/mystical. I see so many things happen in my work that can not be explained as chance or happenstance. A person calls for help 2 weeks apart on different days and both times I am the provider to go to their home. It is inexplicable, unexplainable, and nearly unbelievable in the ways that this works out. If I were not the same provider that had come to the home prior, the care rendered would have been delayed while info was gathered that I already had due to my prior involvement.  

Furious 7, family, career, emotions, and death. I know that these topics are heavy and are hard to read about. I also know that using Furious 7 as a jumping point still sounds strange. I just wanted to explain whats in my head. I can not help that a crazy action movie has sparked such strong emotions. I will write more but for now I want the take away from these ramblings to be this; family, mothers, fathers, siblings, wife, and my children are all that I have. Family really is as important and probably more important than we realize. I have 3 healthy kids and a wonderful healthy wife. I have lots of brothers and sisters and extended family, all of whom are family. 

Family is much more important than my actions and words have showed in the past. Focus on the good and on the future. We can only change today and tomorrow; and learn from yesterday. 

I do not know if anyone will ever read this but it felt good to write it. *All of this is just my thoughts and opinion.